THE KICKER QUESTIONNAIRE: TITUS O'REILY
Writer and broadcaster Titus O’Reily was last year voted ‘Australia’s worst sports writer’ beating out an incredibly strong field. His unique take on AFL and sport in general has been called 'awful', 'childish' and 'barely comprehensible.' His writing can be found here and Sports Bizarre, his new podcast with Mick Molloy, can be listened to here.
Titus, when were you most happy?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never been happy.
Once, I had a passing moment when I thought I was but it turned out I was suffering a mild concussion.
Happiness is overrated anyway. That’s what wrong with the world today, people spending all their time trying to be happy.
They’re the unhappiest people. It’s why they spend so much time trying to convince people they are happy on Facebook and Instagram.
The young people don’t know what’s it’s like to grow up in tough times. I’ve lived through two gulf wars and the global financial crisis.
Who would you like to apologise to and why?
I would like to apologise if I’ve offended anyone. It’s the modern apology, which of course is no apology at all.
The wonderful subtext of the modern apology is that it suggests that the fact the person who has been offended is unreasonable in the first place. It’s actually more insult than apology.
People should probably apologise less and mean it more when they do.
What is your greatest regret?
Just the other day I purchased some tonic water for my morning G and T and when I got home I discovered it was Diet Tonic Water. Diet.
Well, anything diet is undrinkable. It’s like having something that’s salt reduced. Why would you reduce the best thing?
Anyway, you can imagine my regret at not reading the label a little better.
If you asked me when I’m most happy, I’d say it’s when I’m eating something that’s not salt reduced or ‘diet’.
What will you still need to do to feel you've lived a satisfactory life?
Satisfactory? I’m not aiming that high. I’m just thrilled that I get through each day without injuring myself or others.
No, satisfactory is out of reach for me. I’m hoping to avoid ‘a dumpster fire of a life’ and finish with ‘a mildly disappointing existence.’
Who is the person who most influenced you, and how?
Probably Kenny Loggins.
I mean, for one person to write both Footloose and Danger Zone is astonishing.
That’s right up there with Einstein's annus mirabilis in 1905, when he published four ground breaking papers, on the photoelectric effect, Brownian motion, special relativity, and the equivalence of mass and energy.
To this day I’m constantly uncovering new layers of meaning in Loggins’ work.
When was the last time you cried, why?
I know we’re meant to be all modern and cry all the time but I come from an era where we understood crying was how a man lost testosterone. That’s not some out dated concept of masculinity, it’s science.
Instead, I make a weird guttural howl when I’m upset. I do that all the time. It’s how I got banned from the Melbourne Cricket Ground and Molly Meldrum’s house.
What is your current state of mind?
Troubled. Recent global events have got me wondering if humanity will ever learn from its past mistakes. Australian philosopher John Farnham once said:
We're all someone's daughter
We're all someone's son
How long can we look at each other
Down the barrel of a gun?
We’ve had those words since 1986. John came down the mountain and gave them to us and still the world tears itself apart.
It turns out we can look at each other down the barrel of a gun for ages.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I’ve managed to learn the difference between a dress and a skirt. This is something most men never achieve. Most men don’t even realise they are different things.
Yet men get very upset if someone calls football ‘soccer’ even though they are the exact same thing.
Who would you want on your side in a battle? Why?
Basically, any reality TV stars. When you think about it, they’re the cannon fodder of the television industry. Cheap, disposable, interchangeable, short shelf life.
I would have no problems ordering a few division of them into the line of fire.
“Guard the flanks X Factor contestants, Big Brother contestants, advance!”
What would you like your last words to be?
Now, you’re sure you turned the power off?