ACTORS VERSUS SMACKTORS
I love actors. They’re a lot of fun to hang out with. They’re smart, funny, and weirdly beguiling. But, as I wrote in last week’s post, there are a small percentage of them who are monsters.
Now, every profession has monsters. But when actors do monstery, they do it at an elite level. When I mentioned this last week, a few readers wrote-in asking for examples. So here goes:
Actors are great at yelling:
I’ve seen actors yell at directors, make up artists, caterers, producers, journalists and other actors. And the yell comes from the diaphragm too - so it's loud and sustained and has proper breath support.
Actors aren’t scared of a fight.
I’ve witnessed a few on-set bust-ups. But unlike the US (see photo above), Australian actors still adhere to the rule of not touching the face.
Actors aren’t that interested in you:
“An actor’s a person who, if you ain’t talking about them, they ain’t listenin’.” —Marlon Brando.
Actors know how to psych you out:
On an early gig, I was part of a scene between two of Australia’s most popular stars. Just before the cameras started rolling, one star said to the other in the sweetest possible voice: “Do you have a little bit of a lazy eye?” Production shut down for half an hour.
Actors can be hierarchical:
It’s not unusual for lead actors to pinch the best lines from supporting actors, then bawl them out for getting in their “light”. Please note, power plays like this always happen when both parties are in full make up and fancy dress.
Actors don’t age:
“I was born in 1962. True. And the room next to me was 1963…” —Joan Rivers.
Some actors are really smart:
And some are exceptionally dumb. It’s important to note that being smart or dumb has no bearing on how good an actor you are. Famously, there was a well known Australian star of stage and screen who received a call from his pregnant wife, saying her waters had broken. So the actor called Triple Zero and said to the operator, “You gotta send help! My wife’s going into labour!” And the operator said, “Calm down. Is this her first child?” And he said, “No! This is her husband!”
Actors are world class complainers:
We complain about not having work, having work, not having lines, having too too many lines, trailer size, writers, directors, producers, agents, who’s driving us to set, how we’re being shot, how we’re being lit, the hours, and, most of all, the catering. You might think it all just becomes white noise - and you’d be right - but sometimes, just sometimes, our complaining is effective.
Back in the day, there was an esteemed British actor called Michael Gough, who would go on to play Alfred in Tim Burton’s Batman. But before Batman, Gough had fallen on hard financial times and was incredulous his friend, Laurence Olivier, hadn’t cast him in the film version of Richard III. Gough had his eye on playing the First or Second Murderer. And it was rumoured those roles would be going to Richard Attenborough and John Mills.
One night, when Gough was already in bed, his phone rang.
“I picked up and this sinister voice says, ‘You've been stirring it haven't you?’
‘What?’ I said, not knowing who the hell it was.
‘A right little shit.’
‘Who is this?’
‘It's Larry.’
‘Oh Christ. Oh Larry, I'm so... I mean... I'm-’
‘Which one?’
‘What?’
‘Which one of the bloody Murderers do you want to play?’
“I wasn't sure how I should take this. I jumped in: ‘Whichever one's got the most lines.’
‘Fair enough. You start on Monday week. And I hope that's the last bloody trouble we get from you.’”
Sometimes actors are great:
I’ve just finished filming a show where the cast was really, really nice. No one pinched anyone’s lines. No one yelled or called anyone a “c***”. It was just wall-to-wall support. To paraphrase the new NSW premier: I can’t say every set in the future will have the same vibe. But now I know it can be done.
Next time, I’ll talk about the subtle art of giving and taking notes.