ALBO, WE ALL KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A GUEST WHO JUST WON'T LEAVE

Squat Morrison’s inability to leave Kirribilli reminds me of an actor friend of mine who slept on the floor of my studio apartment for 10 weeks in the late 90s after breaking up with his girlfriend.

I remember the guy well. He used to have screaming arguments in his sleep. And sometimes he’d lose those screaming arguments. One night, he yelled: “YOU CAN GET FUCKED!!!” Then, a few beats later, he murmured: “Actually, you might be right. You might be right.”  

When he arrived at my apartment, I said he could stay two weeks. He agreed. But then he was cast in a co-op play. To those not familiar with theatre poverty, saying you’re doing a co-op is just a fancy way of saying you’re working for free.

After the two weeks was up, I asked him if he was going to move out and he said he couldn’t possibly look for a house during the rehearsal period. So I acquiesced.

Then, when the rehearsal period ended after a further two weeks, I asked him if he was going to move out. He said he couldn’t possibly move out during the play’s run as the stress of it all might affect his performance. Finally, when the run of the play ended after another four weeks, I asked him if he could please move out and he said, “Can’t. I’ve got no money.” So I took out a credit union loan and paid for his bond and one month’s rent. And he moved out. I can’t tell you the freedom I felt in having a full studio apartment all to myself where I was the only one screaming in my sleep.

So I guess what I’m saying is, Albo, if you want Squat to leave, you might have to reach for the pocket. I can’t think of any other way.