BEST ONE LINERS IN EDINBURGH HISTORY
Self-preservation has stopped me from ever going to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. But each year, from the safety of my office, I’d comb through the lists of the Festival’s best jokes, which included the stylings of Lou Sanders who said, “You have to think positively, for example, I don’t have a drink problem. I have a drink opportunity.” And Dan Antopolski: ‘Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?’
With 10 days to go in this year’s Festival, the new joke lists are yet to be finalised. But there are early contenders like Leo Reich who said, “I’m only 23, which Forbes magazine recently described as one of the top 25 youngest ages” and Lou Sanders is back with “Why aren’t paedophiles more worried about nits?” So while we’re waiting on this year’s verdict, here are my favourite Edinburgh Fringe jokes of all time:
“I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” Jack Whitehall
‘I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.’ – Nick Helm
“I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?” Alexei Sayle
“Whenever someone says, ‘I don’t believe in coincidences.’ I say, ‘Oh my God, me neither!”‘ Alasdair Beckett-King
“I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.” Mark Watson
“I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” Gary Delaney
“Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” Arthur Smith
“Surely every car is a people carrier?” Adam Hess
“This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.” Felicity Ward
“What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter” Masai Graham
“If you don’t know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourself” Ian Smith
“I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time” Tom Ward
“Earlier this year I saw ‘The Theory of Everything’ – loved it. Should’ve been called ‘Look Who’s Hawking’, that’s my only criticism” James Acaster
“I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” Ria Lina
“My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.” Fin Taylor
“When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said: ‘Oh, two or three’. She wondered why her marriage didn’t work.” Josie Long