MAKING POLITICS EVEN FUNNIER
In the first part of this series, I catalogued what I believed to be the funniest quotes said by politicians. But the problem with politicians being hilarious is it puts pressure on screenwriters to make fictional politicians funnier than the real thing. But the good writers rise to the challenge. For instance, no one who saw The Thick of It’s harried Hugh Abbot will ever forget the moment he said: "I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat.”
Then, there are the heavenly one-liners comedians use to pass judgment on the political discourse of the day. Like the time Richard Pryor told an audience about coming face to face with the leader of the free world: “I went to the White House, met the president. We in trouble.”
From Morte Saul to Jon Stewart, the faces of the comedians have changed, but as you’ll see, the jokes come from a similar place.
FUNNY FICTIONALY POLITICIANS
“'Cause I've met some people, ok? Real people. And a lot of them are fucking idiots.” – SELINA.
“I'm gonna be the sexiest woman to ever exude fiscal prudence. And you know what? That's a very fucking tough look to pull off.” – SELINA.
SELINA: "Can I really blame another country for something they didn't do?”
BEN: "It's been the cornerstone of American foreign policy since the Spanish-American War."
THE THICK OF IT
“I’ve got a to-do list here that’s longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song.” – MALCOLM TUCKER.
“Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off.” – MALCOLM TUCKER.
"Well, I’ll just have to kill the both of you, then! That's a joke, by the way. Not a nice one, a nasty one, which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department." -MALCOLM TUCKER.
“He’s so dense that light bends around him.” – MALCOLM TUCKER.
"Fuckity bye!" - MALCOLM TUCKER.
"I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth. Even though unknowingly I might not have done." – HUGH ABBOTT.
“Politicians like to panic, they need activity. It is their substitute for achievement.” - - SIR HUMPHREY
HACKER: Humphrey, do you see it as part of your job to help ministers make fools of themselves? - SIR HUMPHREY: Well, I never met one that needed any help.
The three articles of Civil Service faith: It takes longer to do things quickly, it's more expensive to do them cheaply, and it's more democratic to do them in secret." —THE RIGHT HONOURABLE JAMES HACKER MP
"The history of the world is the history of the triumph of the heartless over the mindless." - SIR HUMPHREY APPLEBY.
“You known the PM's motto: In defeat, malice. In victory, revenge.” – DANIEL HUGHES.
JIM HACKER: “Don't tell me about the Press. I know exactly who reads the papers. The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by the people who actually *do* run the country; The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; The Financial Times is read by people who own the country; The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country; and The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.”
SIR HUMPHREY: Oh, and Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?
BERNARD WOOLLEY: Sun readers don't care who runs the country as long as she's got big tits.
"'Bob Russell is so dull, his Secret Service code name is Bob Russell.'
SHOUTING FROM THE SIDELINES:
“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made president should on no account be allowed to do the job.” —DOUGLAS ADAMS
"Donald J. Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it." – JOHN OLIVER
"Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a dick doesn’t mean you have to act that way." – JOHN OLIVER
"Democracy is like a tambourine – not everyone can be trusted with it.'" – JOHN OLIVER
"News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right." – JOHN OLIVER
“Voting in this election is like trying to decide which street mime to stop and watch.” —A. WHITNEY BROWN
“Ronald Reagan: proof that there is life after death.” —MORT SAHL
“Washington couldn’t tell a lie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth and Reagan couldn’t tell the difference.” —MORT SAHL
“Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they’ve stolen.” —MORT SAHL
“Unemployment is down, confidence is up, Dow 5000 above Bush – or as Republicans put it, let’s talk about gay people and abortion!” – JON STEWART.
"You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning." –Jon Stewart
"After a quick meet-and-greet with King Abdullah, Obama was off to Israel, where he made a quick stop at the manger in Bethlehem where he was born.'' – JON STEWART, on Barack Obama's first Middle East trip
"I've been to Canada and I’ve always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days." –JON STEWART
"Reality has a well-known liberal bias." –STEPHEN COLBERT
"Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!" — STEPHEN COLBERT
"Wikipedia is the place I go when I'm looking for knowledge…or want to create some." — STEPHEN COLBERT
"I don't trust books — they're all fact, no heart." – STEPHEN COLBERT
“Why would we go to war on women? They don’t have any oil.” - STEPHEN COLBERT
“My Favourite part of the debate is when the candidate tells a heartfelt anecdote about a struggling American who lives in a swing state.” - DAVID LETTERMAN