THE BEST CHRISTMAS JOKES AVAILABLE
Christmas is not a great time for comedy.
The jokes in the crackers are terrible.
And most people have families with vastly different politics, which isn’t conducive for laughs – except in the horror-comedy movie you write after the event.
Add to these elements the fact you’re not happy with your presents because they represent a complete misunderstanding of your personality and it’s easy to see why Christmas is the unfunniest time of year.
But fear not - I’ve done some research and found some excellent Christmas jokes from wonderful comedians. I hope they make everything better.
Jim Gaffigan
"Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?"
Steven Wright
"I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."
Phyllis Diller
"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
Joan Rivers
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband."
Jerry Seinfeld
"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
Wanda Sykes
"I love my family but my family -- they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did... I was in the first grade Christmas play -- I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus... They still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby...' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'"
Laura Kightlinger
"My grandmother, she passed away at Christmas time. So now, I have this built in sadness, you know, every holiday. 'Cause I'm plagued with the thought of, you know, what she would have given me. What didn't I get to open this year?"
Demetri Martin
"I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."