Welcome to another Summer where you can guarantee a multitude of spontaneously hilarious declarations and batshit crazy verbal-blunders will be made about cricket.
I remember the day Wade took a sharp one off the bowling of Lyon and, in the commentary box, Ian Healey said: “Beautifully catched.” And then there was the time Dave Warner got into a scuffle with Joe Root and SEN’s Tony Schibeci reported that Cricket Australia had called the incident “debarkable.” But there’s no greater example of cricket’s undergraduate linguistic charms than BBC legend Brian Johnston saying: “The bowler's Holding. The batsman's Willey.”
Importantly, this is not a list of sledges. I’ll leave sledges for another time – if I deal with them at all. This is simply the ultimate collection of cricket’s funniest, meanest and most incomprehensible statements that make the game so watchable.
THE MISHITS:
“That was a tremendous six . The ball was still in the air as it went over the boundary ” - Fred Trueman
“People only call me 'Fiery' because it rhymes with Fred, just like 'Typhoon' rhymes with Tyson.” - Fred Trueman
“We didn't have metaphors in our day. We didn't beat around the bush.” - Fred Trueman
“Anyone foolish enough to predict the outcome of this match is a fool.” - Fred Trueman
“Alderman knows that he's either going to get a wicket, or he isn't.” - Steve Brenkley
“England were beaten in the sense that they lost.” - Dickie Davis
“If Gower hadn’t caught that, it would have decapitated his hand.” - Farokh Engineer
“He’s a very dangerous bowler, innocuous if you like.” - David Lloyd
CHIN MUSIC
“The last positive thing England did for cricket was to invent it.” – Ian Chappell
“Is that Ranatunga? Strewth, he's not missed many lunches has he?” – David Lloyd
“The other advantage England have got when Phil Tufnell is bowling is that he isn't fielding.” – Ian Chappell
“Glenn McGrath dismissed for two, just 98 runs short of his century.” – Richie Benaud
“He was all bristle and bullshit and I couldn’t make out what he was saying, except that every sledge ended with ‘arsewipe’.” - Mike Atherton on Merv Hughes
WARNEY
“Shane Warne's idea of a balanced diet is a cheeseburger in each hand.” - Ian Healy
“I used to put on weight easily. I remember my dad picked me up at the airport and thought I was a fat bastard he didn’t know.” - Shane Warne
“When the groundsman puts in those three stumps, that gives you a clue where to bowl.” - Shane Warne
“Shane, I think I’m pregnant!” - Banner at Adelaide during the 2006/07 Ashes
SAY AGAIN?!
“Neil Harvey's at slip, with his legs wide apart, waiting for a tickle.” – Brian Johnston
“I’ve never smoked Astroturf.” – Phil Tufnell after being asked if he preferred grass to Astroturf
“After I’ve played a shot, I switch off, maybe think about sex and get ready to go again.” – Ricky Ponting
“I don't ask my wife to face Michael Holding, so there's no reason why I should be changing nappies.” – Ian Botham
Interviewer: “What's your favourite animal?” Steve Waugh: “Merv Hughes.”
COMEDIANS ON CRICKET
“I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on for ever and there are a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the internet.” - Catherine Bohart
“In many ways racism is like cricket. Invented here but perfected in Australia.” - Nish Kumar
“What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.” - The Thick of It
“Say, when do they begin?” - Grouch Marx , watching a cricket match at Lord's
“The other advantage England have got when Phil Tufnell is bowling is that he isn't fielding.” I miss when Ian Chappell was young and funny, instead of old and doddery.