Writers who make it in Hollywood are generally pretty good at their job. Many went to Ivy League universities. They’ve read and understood Aristotle’s Poetics and can quote off-by-heart the glory years of The Simpsons. If you were friends with them, they’d be among the wittiest people you knew. So why do they write banal dialogue like, “We can do this the easy way, or the hard way.” Or, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Or, “I’m getting too old for this shit.” It could be that they just have no talent. But it’s rare to be hired to write anything substantial without proper vetting. It could be that they’re a genius with story and structure, but not so great with dialogue. But the scenario I relate to most is the one where they’re exhausted and have lost the will to live. They’ve endured years of note sessions from the studio, producer, director, actors, actors’ agents, and the studio-head’s kids (I’m serious). The notes have ranged from helpful to horrible and the writer has managed to walk the tightrope of incorporating them all without ruining the essence of the script. Finally, just as the champagne is about to be uncorked and the words on the page turned into a movie, one of the stakeholders pipes up with a suggestion for the start of the climactic fight scene at the end of Act 3: he thinks it’d be really cool if the villain says to the hero, “I eat guys like you for breakfast”. The bemused writer looks around the room to see if everyone’s on board with this hoary old chestnut. And it turns out, they are! Well, that’s the final straw. The writer takes a deep breath and says, “If I write in, ‘I eat guys like you for breakfast’, will that be the end? Will I be able to move on?” Everyone agrees. And sometimes that’s how shitty lines end up in movies.
The following lines of dialogue should be illegal:
Drama/Action Movies
“I eat guys like you for breakfast.”
Are you ready? I was born ready.”
“Follow that car.”
“It’s quiet. Too quiet.”
“Wait. Did you hear something?”
“We’ve got company.”
“He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?”
“Well, well, well…”
“So, we meet again.”
“Is this some kind of sick joke?”
“Oh, now you’re really starting to piss me off.”
“You just don’t get it, do you?”
“Try me.”
“You look like shit.”
“Is that all you’ve got?”
“Make it stop.”
“I’m just doing my job.”
“We’re not so different, you and I?”
“Shut up and kiss me.”
“It’s just a scratch.”
“I’m…so…cold!”
“Don’t die on me.”
“This isn’t over.”
Comedy Movies
“I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”
“I think that came out wrong.”
“Are you having a stroke?”
“Why are we whispering?”
“Did I just say that out loud?”
“That went well…”
“It’s not what it looks like.”
“Cheque please!”
"In English, please?"
“Note to self.”
“Thanks…I guess.”
“Soooo, that just happened.”
“Who Hurt You?”
“Wait, what?”
“I can explain.”
“I can’t unsee that.”
“That’s why we can’t have nice things.”
“I’ll show myself out.”
“Good talk.”
Let me know if I’ve missed anything.
Well done Adam, you have hit the nail on the head (oops, excuse that line). We cannot watch American movies any longer. Most are SHIT! Some actually start off OK, but get sicker and sicker as the movie progresses. They are tooooo drawn out, particularly the love scenes. Saccharin comes to mind. Give us European and English movies any time.
Although 'Good talk, Russ', 'Good talk dad' in National Lampoon's vacation gets a pass.