There’s quite a market in writers writing about their father’s passing. I had a proper go at it myself. And it helped so much that I thought I’d dealt with the myriad of issues surrounding my Father’s death.
But when I re-read comedian Steve Martin’s 2007 piece about his own father dying, it threw me back to square one. First, Steve Martin’s piece was better than mine. Second, Steve Martin seemed to handle the whole process without a hitch.
MY SITUATION:
I lived two plane rides and a 40-minute drive away from Dad, or, depending on flights, a plane ride and a three-hour car trip. There were also COVID protocols.
But I could have made it work better than I did.
Whenever I’d visit Dad in his high care facility, he’d always send me on my way after an hour. It wouldn’t matter how far I’d travelled to see him. He’d say - “Well, you better be off.” I know, from his point of view, there was a certain amount of anxiety in having me see him in bad shape - but that’s what he said. And he didn’t just say it to me. All sorts of visitors - most of whom he loved - would laugh about being “dismissed”.
So when his health started going downhill in the final two months, I’d visit him every few weeks, just for the day. And my wife would say, “Why don’t you stay there?” And I’d say, “No, I’ve got to get back. He doesn’t want me staying too long anyway.” Then, about seven weeks before he died, he suddenly stopped telling me that I “better be off.” It was obvious he wanted me to stay. But I had a plane to catch. Also, I thought it was just a blip. But when I visited him 10 days later, the same thing happened. That’s when I should have decamped to a hotel near the facility. I could have pulled in favours and juggled my other responsibilities. But I convinced myself I couldn’t and that Dad would be fine. I’d be back in another 10 days anyway.
I finally moved into the hotel when the doctors told me the end was near. But being there for someone when they’re not on the verge of death is just as important as being there for the final few days.
Steve Martin knew that.
In fact, after reading Steve Martin’s article in which he did everything right, I decided to punch a wall. What a surprise: MALE WHO IGNORES EMOTIONAL WARNING BELLS, REALISES HE CAN’T MAKE AMENDS, AND PUNCHES WALL.
But, in my defence, I needed some external pain to distract from the aching pain that was in my heart. I’m so sorry Dad.
Worse, Steve Martin’s article finishes with the pronouncement that no one should die alone. Well, get this: Dad was alive when I went out to get some lunch and when I came back, he’d passed.
If you want to go to the link for Steve Martin’s article from 2007 - here it is. But the link doesn’t work on all systems, so I’ve posted screenshots below.
That just brought a tear to my eye buddy. Thanks for always putting yourself out there in such a beautiful and open way. 🥹
Some say that some souls prefer to pass when none of us are around. It is their choice when they go, and we shouldn't feel bad if we're not there ... I lost my partner in Feb, and he passed when no-one was in his room. I'd been with him day and night for the weeks he was in palliative care. On his last day, we knew it was close - 'we' being the palliative doctor, palliative nurse and the pastoral carer, and I. I never left his side. Until the moment I did, popping outside for a breather, and that's when he passed. The doctor, nurse and pastor, who had been coming and going all day, were not in the room either at that moment of passing ... My partner was a quiet and private man who preferred no attention, and I believe he chose his moment. I'm at peace with that :)