UPDATED: THE FUNNIEST S*** SAID ABOUT CRICKET

We’re halfway through the Ashes. We’re sleep-deprived. And Australia lost last night. So I thought I’d cheer us up by revisiting some of the most hilarious statements and misstatements made about our beloved game.

As a point of order: This is not a post where we talk about sledging. All that “how’s your wife and my kids” stuff can wait for another day. This is simply a collection of funny pronouncements about the game made beyond the boundary.

Enjoy.

PS: I’m predicting a 3-1 result in Australia’s favour.

THE MISHITS:

“That was a tremendous six . The ball was still in the air as it went over the boundary ” - Fred Trueman

“People only call me 'Fiery' because it rhymes with Fred, just like 'Typhoon' rhymes with Tyson.” - Fred Trueman

“We didn't have metaphors in our day. We didn't beat around the bush.” - Fred Trueman

“Anyone foolish enough to predict the outcome of this match is a fool.” - Fred Trueman

“Alderman knows that he's either going to get a wicket, or he isn't.” - Steve Brenkley

“England were beaten in the sense that they lost.” - Dickie Davis 

“If Gower hadn’t caught that, it would have decapitated his hand.” - Farokh Engineer

“He’s a very dangerous bowler, innocuous if you like.” - David Lloyd 

CHIN MUSIC

“The last positive thing England did for cricket was to invent it.” – Ian Chappell 

“Is that Ranatunga? Strewth, he's not missed many lunches has he?” – David Lloyd 

“The other advantage England have got when Phil Tufnell is bowling is that he isn't fielding.” – Ian Chappell 

“Glenn McGrath dismissed for two, just 98 runs short of his century.” – Richie Benaud

“He was all bristle and bullshit and I couldn’t make out what he was saying, except that every sledge ended with ‘arsewipe’.” - Mike Atherton on Merv Hughes

WARNEY

“Shane Warne's idea of a balanced diet is a cheeseburger in each hand.” - Ian Healy 

“I used to put on weight easily. I remember my dad picked me up at the airport and thought I was a fat bastard he didn’t know.” - Shane Warne 

“When the groundsman puts in those three stumps, that gives you a clue where to bowl.” - Shane Warne

“Shane, I think I’m pregnant!” - Banner at Adelaide during the 2006/07 Ashes

SAY AGAIN?!

“Neil Harvey's at slip, with his legs wide apart, waiting for a tickle.” – Brian Johnston 

“I’ve never smoked Astroturf.” – Phil Tufnell after being asked if he preferred grass to Astroturf 

“After I’ve played a shot, I switch off, maybe think about sex and get ready to go again.” – Ricky Ponting

“I don't ask my wife to face Michael Holding, so there's no reason why I should be changing nappies.” – Ian Botham 

Interviewer: “What's your favourite animal?” Steve Waugh: “Merv Hughes.” 

COMEDIANS ON CRICKET

“I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on for ever and there are a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the internet.” - Catherine Bohart

“In many ways racism is like cricket. Invented here but perfected in Australia.” - Nish Kumar

“What's that, cricket? That's the English equivalent of sport, isn't it? No actual physical contact, just glaring.” - The Thick of It

“Say, when do they begin?” - Grouch Marx , watching a cricket match at Lord's